Great Headlines of the 21st Century

Fark.com has been one of my favourite infrequent interweb haunts over the years. Amongst the usual ‘Weird News Of The World’ posts, you find some gems. And sometimes, the editors hit the jackpot. I’m glad I renewed my acqaintance this week in time to see this headline:

Couple buys monkey as pet, get upset when it dominates them and their dog. Marmoset knock you out (link)

Joke Time!

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, your pet has passed away.”

The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure. The duck is dead,” he replied.

“How can you be so sure”, she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a pair of Labrador Retrievers. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dogs stood on their hind legs, put their front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. They then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook their heads. The vet patted the dogs, took them out of the room and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried. “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!”

The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Reports and the Cat Scan, it all adds up.

Give Me The Online Life

Call me a geek, but it’s days like today that make me glad I’m online.

Over the last few months, I’ve gradually been falling victim to the Google Renaissance and moving a lot of my activities onto Google servers:

Last weekend, I got into the Mashup craze with good old Google Maps, and started mapping my company’s contact information.

And now, this week, Google have switched on the full Google mapping functionality I’ve been hanging out for. In Australia, you’re now able to trace driving directions and search for local businesses, and more, with the Google Mapping engine (including Google Earth).

There’s probably a whole bunch of other stuff, but the ‘driving directions’ functionality is one that really helps me out in a strange city. Especially when I’m being given new places to visit each weekend by my birthday-party-going offspring. Whereis does a great job, but not smoothly enough.

I’m waiting for Google to switch on a setting in Gmail whilch allows me to manage my non-Gmail accounts, then I can add a line that says

  • Moved my email from Outlook to Gmail

I really think Microsoft has cause to be scared of Google.

Now that I have moved a lot of my e-life onto Google servers, I hope I don’t.

Joke Collection

Here’s an assortment of new jokes I heard over the holiday break. For your entertainment.

  • What car does Tarzan drive? A Mazda Tree-To-Tree.
  • Why do ducks have flat feet? To put out small bushfires.
  • Why do elephants have flat feet? To put out burning ducks.

And some crickety hooma:

  • Who has the easiest job in the English cricket team? The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.
  • What does Asley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball takes a wicket? A bat.
  • ASHES = Another Sad, Horrific English Season

New Year's Wrestleution

Okay, OK. That’s a pretty lame effort for 2006. 8 Posts. After 12 years, you’re allowed some down-time, but that’s probably a little too far down.
I’m not going to set a new year’s resolution to write more. I’m just going to do it. Like most bloggers, I waver between treating The Blog as testimonial or therapy. I probably could use more of that this year.
2006 has been a pretty mad year. In the space of 12 months:
* We moved from Perth to Sydney – and put the kids into a new school
* I changed jobs: from product management to marketing – I inherited *direct reports* for the first time!
* I continued the tradition of travelling to the US (only once, this time)
* We travelled as a family to Canberra, The Gold Coast and Hamilton Island (best family trip ever!)
* We hosted many friends and fellow families at our house, including Granny, Nanna, Jos, The Olsens and The Kamps for their Sydney holidays.
* We also hosted Christmas and Australia Day for the extended families
… and a few other things – eating, sleeping, stuck in traffic.
So, this year, I’m going to swing the balance back a little.
I’d like to do less documenting, and more things worth documenting.
If you’ve been wondering where all the posts have been – please check in with a quick comment so I know you’re also alive!
Happy New Calendar Year, everyone!

Great Moments in Telecommunications

Scene: interior of LA Airport Lounge. Our hero is unsuccessfully trying to make a phone call using his credit card. After a couple of aborted attempts, he talks to an operator.
Operator: Hello, Sir, can I help you?
Hero: I hope so. I’m trying to make a call to Australia, but it doesn’t seem to be working. Can you help?
Operator: Certainly. What number are you trying to reach?
Hero: 02 12345678
Operator: Oh, I see the problem. I’m sorry, but you’re not able to make a call to that country with the phone handset you’re using at the moment.
Hero: Oh, that’s a shame.
Operator: Would you like to try to call a different country?
Hero: … I was kind of hoping to reach Australia. I can’t really think of another country I’d like to be talking to at the moment.
Operator: I see. Thanks for calling.
Hero: Thank you.